When I look back on the last few years, I tell myself I have learned so much, and have developed into a more adult as each day goes by. But today I felt like I took a few steps back. I feel like I know nothing about the world and am not ready for certain adult events to happen in my life. Whenever something bad happens to me or any of my loved ones, I usually shut myself out and down in order not to have to deal with the situation or the heartbreak. But I have finally realized I have to stop doing that if I am going to grow anymore. It's hard. It's really hard. But I need to take more responsibility and shape up for others in my life that are having a harder go of things. There are more important things to worry about than buying a new outfit or what is going on on The Hills. I recently found out my best friend's mother has cancer, and today we found out it is pretty bad, and has spread. It breaks my heart to see the struggle that she and her family are going to have to go through in the next few years. I really want to try and not shut myself out in this situation, because hopefully it will give me strength for similar situations in my own family. It's time for me to grow up and take on more responsibility.
Another big thing that has been on my mind is the thought of "forever" and marriage. How do we know when we are finally ready to settle down and have found that perfect person. Is there really only one person we can be happy with forever? No, I really don't think so. I think there are numerous people we could be happy with, it just depends on the timing. Timing is everything in life. That may sound kind of depressing, but it's so true. All of our failed relationships depended on timing. At one point I thought I would be able to get married right when I finished college, but a few months ago and most recently today, I realized I am not cut out for marriage for a very very long time. I have so much more maturing to do and need to find out what kind of person I am going to become. I will be a much different person at the age of say, 23, than I am now at 19. Both relationships I have had, I took very seriously. In both relationships we talked about the possibility of marriage, which, now that I look back wish I had never done. At this age I should be having fun, and dating a variety of people so I can find out what I should be looking for in the future. It's great if I meet someone I really like and/or love, but I don't want to think about marriage in general until I am well into my 20's. If I actually do happen to meet "that right person" in the next few months or years, then everything will work out the way it should. But right now I'm just looking to have fun and find out more about myself and life.
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